Thanks to that ever so popular movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, there are more questions surrounding the “lifestyle” or practice of Domination and submission than ever before. People want to know how much of the movie is real, or could be real, and how much of it is Hollywood hype. Is there a requirement to live in the roles of Dominant and submissive 24/7? What is the difference between play partners, recreational play and “living the lifestyle?” Is there truly a need for a contract before any bondage activity can occur? The answers to these questions are not really simple, but dependent upon various situations and conditions. They also widely vary from person to person (or, rather, Dominant to Dominant.) However, there can be some basics that are pretty standard. Let’s delve in.
The easiest question to answer of the ones posed above is whether it is required to live as a Dominant/submissive 24/7? Quite simply: no. Life does exist outside of the Dominant / submissive dynamic and while there are couples who do remain in the role of the Dominant or the submissive no matter what else is going on in their lives, it is in no way a requirement, and it is not easy to achieve. Many couples have the “in the bedroom” rule. This means once IN the bedroom, the roles are in place. If you are a submissive in the bedroom, once you enter the room you are to act as a submissive. Other couples have the “weekend” rule (similar to that in the movie) and this works nicely if there are no children to contend with. It is really a matter of seeing what fits into your personal life, what you are comfortable with, or, what you may demand. However, as a requirement, definitely not.
Along the same lines comes the question of “what is living the lifestyle” and how does it differ from just dabbling in bondage every so often. First, let’s clarify – there is bondage and there is Domination and submission, which may or may not even contain episodes of bondage. 
Domination and submission is a synergy, a type of relationship style. Bondage is an activity. It is completely possible for a couple to have bondage play (light or advanced) and never have any type of Dominant / submissive relationship. Conversely, it is possible for a Dominant to use more methods than bondage to control and play with his submissive. For the purposes of this article, let’s assume we are talking about Dominant and submissive RELATIONSHIPS (including but not limited to bondage activities). In the realm of D/s, play partners is the general term for people who get together to act out D/s “scenes” and may or may not be an actual couple. Furthermore, these scenes may not be sexual. People with play partners often have a spouse or partner who is not at all interested in D/s, and he or she has allowed this type of outlet (or may be unaware).
Recreational play is the general term for people who occasionally indulge in D/s play, but it is in no way a regular activity. It can occur with a play partner or with a regular partner. It is usually less involved. Think of it as “a vacation from vanilla” in that on some rare occasions, the D/s play is used. This is probably the most common format for the “average” couple who likes to dabble a bit in the D/s realm.
The most in depth type of D/s relationship is those who “live the lifestyle.” This pretty much means what it says, their D/s play is a huge part of their lifestyle. These couples may belong to groups or clubs; practice D/s scenes with others in the lifestyle; may mentor or loan out their submissives to others. People in the lifestyle truly make an effort to have D/s be a substantial part of their lives. This does not connote a 24/7 living situation necessarily, but most times those in the lifestyle are living D/s more often than not, and it usually pervades all part of their life from work to sex.
Finally, and maybe most complexly, is there really a need for a D/s contract between Dominants and submissives? The answer is yes and no and it depends. Many Dominants believe in the legality of a contract. Why? Well, when you have that much personal, physical and sexual power over somebody it seems wise to protect yourself from legal ramifications if the submissive all of a sudden decides she or he does not like what is done to them, even if they previously verbally agreed. Not all acts of D/s are “light play” and can range from severe bondage to penetrative play to even some forms of pain play. In the situation where someone is inflicting pain or injury on another person, it is extremely important to get their permission beforehand. This prevents “buyer’s remorse” after the fact.
More importantly, a contract protects the submissive from activities that are unwanted and puts it all in writing what activities are permitted and which are not. Generally, they are defined in this manner:
Hard Limits: Activities which are currently banned under the contract and are never to be done even if verbal consent is given during play.
Soft Limits: Activities that may be possible with consent beforehand. These are activities that the submissive is willing to try, with advance permission. There is usually a safeguard to ensure the submissive is consciously giving consent.
Standard or Permissible: Activities which can always occur, are always permissible, and there is no need for any permission or advance notice.
For example, a submissive may say that all forms of giving or receiving of oral sex are standard or permissible; however anal sex is a soft limit (meaning permission must be given first) and double penetration is a hard limit (meaning this can NOT be done under the current terms of the contract). These contracts may be formed in any manner of ways to include verbal consent on some items and absolutely NO amending the contract verbally for others. This means if you set a hard limit no matter what this limit cannot be retracted no matter what happens in the moment. During the heat of a sexual encounter a submissive may want to consent to something that he/she has previously set as a hard limit. The contract prevents the breaking of that agreement. If the submissive wishes to change that contract after the fact, a new contract can be made.
The general form of a Domination / submission contract is one that defines the terms of play (or activities), the duration that this play can be enforced, rules for both partners during the play, and methods of “stopping” the play no matter what – a safe word clause. Submissives are not left without decisions in these contracts. A submissive may want to add in certain aspects or terms as well such as:
Required aftercare: Many submissives will experience a phenomenon called “subdrop” after an intense session. This is as sort of depressive state that occurs because of all the adrenaline overload. Aftercare requires a sort of tenderness and time that is utilized to reassure the submissive that she/he did well, is cared for and is allowed the time to equalize.
Safe Word and Safe Action: A submissive can and should choose their own safe words AND their safe action. A safe action is when a submissive may be unable to speak for a myriad of reasons, such as being gagged, and they can blink their eyes, wave their hands or have another “action” that stops play.
Sterilization: While it may seem obvious, if you are in a D/s relationship, it is possible that you are not the only play partner. A submissive can REQUIRE sterile items to be used during play scenes. Such as all new sex toys, sterilized bed sheets or other bedding materials, and sterilized or new clamps. Health and safety are a concern and those who take the time to form a contract will often include these.
Availability: A submissive can come to terms with her / his availability for play. While a Dominant is most likely going to suggest what He/She would like, the decision ultimately rests with the submissive.
Deal Breakers: A submissive would always want to have a list of “deal breakers” or reasons why play would stop. Such common inclusions are: the incapacitation (impairment) of the Dominant, fear for safety or life, activities marked as hard limits are attempted, not feeling safe in any way at any time, increased pain that is at an unacceptable limit.
Of course, all of these inclusions are a mere glance at the possibilities.
The Dominant also has input in the contract as well, but ultimately the decisions rest with the submissive. The submissive may be under the control of the Dominant during play, but she/he is very much in control of the terms of play. The Dominant will suggest or ask for activities that are of interest to Him / Her, but it is up to the submissive to consent or decline. There are reasons for a Dominant to break a contract as well. IF he finds the submissive to be completely lacking in effort, failing to meet her/his portion of the contract, utilizes the safe word for reasons not defined, or overall does not please the Dominant, the contract can be voided.
The main idea here is that it is a contract – which requires performance (both parties do what is expected) and consideration (legal term meaning “payment” – which here is provided via action) – between the Dominant and the submissive.
An Introduction To Bondage Terms And Concepts
So, while it is obvious that a contract between a Dominant and submissive is quite real and performed for the safety and pleasure of both parties, the next question is: is it necessary? The answer again is yes, no and maybe. If you are going to engage in extensive or intense sexual domination (especially with more than one partner) then it is absolutely essential to protect yourself and your submissive by enacting a contract. Similarly, if you are living in the lifestyle and tend to want to “loan” your submissive to other Dominants, a contract is necessary to protect her/him. Now, if you are not really an active player, use D/s as more of a recreational activity, don’t really engage in anything extreme or painful, and have a long-term partner who trusts you – no, a contract is probably not at all necessary. There is no real fear or need to protect in that case. Finally, a maybe would be if you are entering the realm of D/s (from either side) and you want to ensure that nothing will be taken out of context or you want to ensure your new partner that you do not wish to do any activities that make her/him uncomfortable, then you can and should think about a basic contract that at least defines the terms of play and the activities that are permissible and impermissible. This is especially important for first timers who may “get caught up” in the moment and not know when to stop the play.
The most important thing to take from this discussion is that yes, Domination and submissive contracts are real and they have a true purpose. To alleviate the doubts and fears that can go along with an act of submission, to protect both parties from accusations of unwanted behaviors, to clearly spell out and define what activities you would both want to engage in, and methods of safety and stopping play if necessary. In short: it can protect you in ways you have not even thought of.