Knowing whether you are a Dominant or a submissive in the bedroom is a concept that is very unclear for many; yet very clear to some. If you are a commanding presence, aggressive in the bedroom, like taking control of things in an out of the bedroom, this MUST mean you are a Dominant, right? Nope, not even close. Sure, these are some characteristics of a Dominant personality, but not all people with dominant personalities are Dominants. What about the idea that Dominants have to be male or women who are “butch” or effeminate? Nope, wrong again. I’ll bet you have a lot of questions now, huh?
How Do I Know If I'm submissive?
So, you may ask, what kinds of things do I need to look for or recognize in myself to indicate that I am, truly, a SEXUAL Dominant? Does the fact that I am an in-charge person in my life and career automatically mean that I am a Dominant sexually? I like aggressive sex, does that mean I am more Dominant? I don’t really believe that love and sex go together – I MUST be a Dominant then, right? Can you “learn” to be a Dominant if you are not one? The answers to these questions may help you derive your true calling, if you listen carefully.
PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS OF DOMINANTS: It is actually much more difficult to discern if you are a sexual Dominant than it is a submissive. Why? Well, sometimes what a person gravitates toward in their normal life and career they shy away from in their sexual lives. Conversely, sometimes their dominant features are so strong in their everyday life that they have to carry it into the bedroom as well.
There usually are two type of sexual Dominants: type (a) –Dominant in life, Dominant in bed and type (b) – less Dominant in life, Dominant in bed.
Type a: There are people who are very Dominant, in charge, passionate, career-driven, OCD, workaholic, strong-personality, and just overall IN CHARGE in their everyday lives so fully that deviating from this path in any way, or at any time, is not an option. Persons who must be in control of everything, weigh every possible outcome, enjoy being the boss, do not do well being subservient to any person in their life or workplace, and simply HAVE to be in charge are type a Dominants. In essence, they cannot imagine relinquishing control to anyone at any time for any reason and if they are forced to do so, they are grossly uncomfortable and strive to find a way to regain or attain that control. When you are THIS Dominant, you simply cannot be a sexual submissive. There is no merging of control for you.
Type b: Conversely, this type of sexual Dominant strives to become so because he/she feels so submissive or inadequate in other parts of their life that being in control during sex is a must. These people may have jobs where they are low on the totem pole, are shy or quiet types, keep their head down and just get the job done. They may feel insignificant in their family dynamic (like the middle child of a large 
family), have been pushed around by previous lovers or may find that people ASSUME there are meek and mild in nature. They seek to find a place in their life where they can be in control, where they are the ones calling the shots and their needs are met, fully. This is not a revenge situation – a true Dominant has the greatest respect for a submissive no matter the type of Dominant. Simply, in type b Dominants, the control in the bedroom is empowering and makes them feel in control and authoritative for that short period of time.
LOVER VERSUS FIGHTER: A gross misconception about sexual Dominants is that they are unfeeling, unemotional, and cold-hearted when it comes to sex. The belief is a Dominant wants to hurt or take revenge on their submissive is a falsehood. A true sexual Dominant understands and appreciates the gift and trust that a submissive gives to them and oftentimes is a very loving and nurturing person when it comes to their partner. Dominants have a great deal of personal responsibility when it comes to being in control of another person’s body and sexual gratification. They are often able to delay their own sexual gratification for the gratification of the submissive. They care MORE about providing pleasure to the submissive than to themselves (and ironically, a submissive has the same view). Dominants are not mean or evil people – they are loving and caring. They think about their actions before they engage in them, decide what would be sexually fulfilling to both partners, and are able to shoulder that responsibility with full awareness.
Any person who does not care about his / her partner’s pleasure during sex could NOT be a Dominant. This is why the perception in books and movies is so askew. The confusion comes where movies portray sexual sadism and masochism, or sadomasochists, as Dominants. They are separate entities altogether. Dominant is a term to describe someone who wants to take control of a sexual situation and ensure that both partners are enjoying the sex acts. Whereas, a sadomasochist derives sexual gratification from pain and punishment of another person and, sometimes, themselves. While there may be an element of punishment in some Dominant / submissive relationships, the ultimate goal of a true Dominant is pleasure and harmony, not punishment and pain. However, as a Dominant, the need to have things go as YOU want them to is preferred.
How To Dominate Your Man In Bed
CAN YOU LEARN TO BE A SEXUAL DOMINANT?: In short, yes. However, there are certain restrictions. A person has Dominant or submissive traits – and often there are a mixture of both in every person. A true submissive cannot fake Dominance. It would be highly and very, very uncomfortable to try and assert sexual power when your every fiber suggests you are not Dominant. It is possible, however, for a switch (someone who has both characteristics equally) to fake Dominance, or to switch between the roles. IF you are neither Dominant nor submissive and not truly a switch, it would be easier to “fake” or “learn” Dominance than submission. Why? Dominance is more about leading with your own ideas, asserting your wishes, and maintaining sexual control over your partner. A true submissive can’t imagine these things because they do not want to “think” during sex – they want to be taken, used and enjoyed. In the scope of the “normal public” a person can rather successfully be a sexual Dominant for a sexual session or two – however, maintaining that type of dynamic long term would be much harder.
Most people tend to want a mixture of activity in sex, more evenly traded between submission and Dominance – a give and take if you will. People who exhibit strong submissive or Dominant characteristics tend to want to ONLY participate in sex in the manner they find most arousing and pleasing – i.e. a submissive or Dominant stance. For a Dominant, the need to control the sexual scene and to pleasure their partner is most prevalent. They would find it harder to enjoy sex when they are not the one in control. However, if you are not a true Dominant, you can pretend to be with much greater success than you could pretend to be a submissive, because submission requires a rare trait of surrender – which is not common to most humans.
The idea portrayed in movies where a woman can put on black latex and make her lover lick her boots is a vague and unclear presentation of Dominance. This would be more like role play – which most people can imagine finding fun. Can you role play a submissive as well? Sure, absolutely, but the role is not as easily filled as a Dominant. The end note here is that you can learn to be more Dominant in the bedroom – more assertive, more aggressive, more self-assured and more in control. It is not as likely for you to learn to be LESS of these things to be a submissive. It is called DOMINANT for a reason, right?
Bondage Vs. BDSM: What's The Difference?
DOM / DOMME: There is an unfair stereotype when it comes to Doms and Dommes in books and movies. A male Dominant – Dom – is seen as some dark, hooded, angry, resentful, woman-hater who only wants to cause injury or harm. This is the same in pornographic movies – male Doms are mean and angry and do not want to have anything to do with giving pleasure. Similarly, a female Dominant – Domme – is seen as fluffy and pretty and whip-wielding with latex and thigh high boots. Sexy and pretending to be in control – because no woman could REALLY be in control of a man, right? Both of these stereotypes are grossly incorrect!
Dominants are very aware of the state of their submissives. They seek pleasure, they seek protection, they value the submissive gift, they reward the obedience, they strive to bring their submissives to greater pleasure. There is no level or desire to hurt or maim, only to bring pleasure. The giving of pleasure brings the Dominant pleasure.
The other view of a female Domme is being a man-hater, or “butchy” looking woman who is really a lesbian and wants to punish all men. For some reason there are these two very conflicting images of what a Domme is. Either too pretty and “pretending” to be assertive (ha ha ha how cute) – in which these are typical male-fantasies of role playing being a submissive to sexy Domme. OR, the reverse. The evil, ugly, lesbian man-haters. Dominance does not have a dress code nor does it have an outward appearance in any way. Dominance (and submission) are internal revelations, not external manifestations.
Either a man or a woman can have Dominant traits – and for the same reasons. Some misconceptions about female Dommes is that they have been raped or abused and don’t want to give up their power. Statistically speaking, women who try to become sexual Dominants to protect themselves from sexual abuse find that it is an uncomfortable place for them to reside sexually speaking. Sexual Dominance is about personality – not a reaction to an event. In fact, women who have been sexually abused are more likely to be submissives. Ironic, huh?
So, what is the moral here? Can you know if you are a sexual Dominant? Yes, you can. Can you learn to be a Dominant? Yes, mostly. Is there one type of Dominant? No. As with a sexual submissive, a sexual Dominant will, at some point, just know it. They will figure out that being the one in control, the responsible partner, the one who derives the most pleasure from thinking about and orchestrating the sexual adventure and who feels that they NEED to be in control, makes them a sexual Dominant.
Finally, keep in mind you do not have to be a sexual Dominant OR a sexual submissive! You may just be a regular person who wants regular, mutual, pleasurable sex. That is OK too. Sexual Dominants and submissives are in their own world where the need to be one or the other is prevalent and important. If you are one or the other, trust me, you will know it.